The end to all dilemmas

Now I know that many of you will have spent hours pondering on the vexed issue of how many calories you would burn off if attacked by a shark while skin diving. Well ponder no more! This site will tell you. Similarly, should you find yourself harvesting wild rice from a canoe and, say, are of a similar build to myself, I can inform you that you would burn a significant 347 calories in an hour.

Now I know where I went wrong. Instead of learning to play the flute as a child, the trombone should have been my instrument of choice. It burns off 75% more calories!

But there again, the site informs me that I can burn 2,273 calories merely by sleeping for 24 hours. And I can’t eat while asleep. I think I see a niche in the market for a new diet book. A very short diet book – but bound to be profitable I’m sure you’ll agree.

Unfortunately there is no entry for calories burned whilst brilliantly solving the Independent on Sunday’s cryptic crossword. I’ll just have to use “Reclining – reading, writing or talking” as a guide.

And of course, skin diving while being attacked by a shark is a wonderful way to lose weight in more ways than one….

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Mark Twain